Stayed in possibly the smallest hotel room ever last night while working down in London.
It was so damn small I honestly thought I'd inadvertently walked into a CERN physics experiment to find out if a human can occupy the same coordinates in time and space as an MFI chest of drawers.
I can conclude, without the aid of the large hadron collider, that the answer is f%#&ing no!!
On a plus side the bed was so close to the toilet pan that all I had to do to take a shit was hang my arse over the side of the bed.
Not sure the manager is going to be too chuffed with me using the duvet as toilet paper though.
Wednesday, 24 September 2008
Sunday, 21 September 2008
Friday, 19 September 2008
Sunday, 14 September 2008
It's Local You Know
I used to think the shop sign that said "Open 7 days a week, including Sundays" was the most dumb ass sign I'd ever seen. I mean since when did we have an eight day week or a seven day week that didn't have a Sunday in it?
But the sign I saw while driving on the way to RAF Leuchars for the airshow has to take the prize award for stating the blooming obvious.
"Pick your own locally produced strawberries".
Now I'm no gardener but I'm pretty sure that any type of crop where you have to pull it out of the ground or pick it off a bush by yourself that's growing in the same place you happen to be standing can ONLY be local.
Unless there's some strawberry growers out there that think "I know, i'll import 5 tonnes of fruit from Spain, sellotape it onto some bushes and put up a sign saying pick your own internationally produced fruit".
Is that not what most people call Morrisons?
But the sign I saw while driving on the way to RAF Leuchars for the airshow has to take the prize award for stating the blooming obvious.
"Pick your own locally produced strawberries".
Now I'm no gardener but I'm pretty sure that any type of crop where you have to pull it out of the ground or pick it off a bush by yourself that's growing in the same place you happen to be standing can ONLY be local.
Unless there's some strawberry growers out there that think "I know, i'll import 5 tonnes of fruit from Spain, sellotape it onto some bushes and put up a sign saying pick your own internationally produced fruit".
Is that not what most people call Morrisons?
Monday, 1 September 2008
Should I Tidy ?
So you go into a restaurant, sit down and enjoy your meal then just after you've paid fifty quid or more and just before you go to leave you clear your table, put all your dirty dishes on a tray and take them into the kitchen...............
No???
So why the hell do so many people feel compelled to clean up their tables after eating a £3.49 happy meal in McDonalds?
After all you don't get on a bus and just as you get to your destination give the seat a wee polish then nip around the front to were the driver is and give the windscreen a quick wipe before going on your merry way.
Answers on a postcard to the "I didn't know that's why they call it a service industry competition".
The best suggestion will receive a kitchen roll and a pair of rubber gloves
No???
So why the hell do so many people feel compelled to clean up their tables after eating a £3.49 happy meal in McDonalds?
After all you don't get on a bus and just as you get to your destination give the seat a wee polish then nip around the front to were the driver is and give the windscreen a quick wipe before going on your merry way.
Answers on a postcard to the "I didn't know that's why they call it a service industry competition".
The best suggestion will receive a kitchen roll and a pair of rubber gloves
Scottish Weather and Gordon Brown's bum
Another end to a piss awful, in more ways than one, summer and in one of my now infamous theories I have came up with the reason why it has become so wet in recent years........
Gordon Brown's bum.
You see there is a physical limit to how much crap a politician can spout out of their mouth and any excess must therefore be expelled via the more traditional exit point. And judging by the permanent grimace on Gordon Brown's face we're looking at a man who is just full of it to the point of bursting.
So what happens to the excess bull that he hasn't managed to dump on the public by way of taxation?
He flushes it down an especially built lavvie with a pipeline running up to Berwick-Upon-Tweed whereupon it is immediately fed through boilers to form steam and ultimately excrement derived rainclouds.
And you thought those windfarms were to generate electricity.....well you're wrong, they're there to blown the damn clouds around the country.
This allows Gordo to shit on on everyone, quite literally, from a great height.
Gordon Brown's bum.
You see there is a physical limit to how much crap a politician can spout out of their mouth and any excess must therefore be expelled via the more traditional exit point. And judging by the permanent grimace on Gordon Brown's face we're looking at a man who is just full of it to the point of bursting.
So what happens to the excess bull that he hasn't managed to dump on the public by way of taxation?
He flushes it down an especially built lavvie with a pipeline running up to Berwick-Upon-Tweed whereupon it is immediately fed through boilers to form steam and ultimately excrement derived rainclouds.
And you thought those windfarms were to generate electricity.....well you're wrong, they're there to blown the damn clouds around the country.
This allows Gordo to shit on on everyone, quite literally, from a great height.
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