Sunday 30 September 2007
Coneheads
Now the keen eyed amongst you think "aha, the horse has a traffic cone on its head" and you would be partially right.
However ask any Glaswegian and they will immediately tell you its unusual because the cone should in fact be on the rider, the Duke of Wellington, and not the horse.
The statue of the Duke of Wellington sits on Glasgow's Royal Exchange Square outside the museum of modern art and has over the years become a Glasgow icon and a fine example of Glasgow's well known sense of irreverent humour.
The conqueror of Napoleon at the Battle of Waterloo in 1815, is obviously not supposed to have a traffic cone on his bonce however some years ago a cone appeared overnight, presumably the result of a youthful prank. Although it was removed, it kept magically re-appearing and eventually the authorities gave up.
It has now become such a landmark that the statue and its cone have featured in tourist guidebooks. A few years ago, when Greater Glasgow & Clyde Valley Tourist Board wanted photographs to launch their new web site, they removed the cone. Immediately many Glaswegians, including the Lord Provost, Alex Mosson, complained that the cone was missing and that it highlighted the Glaswegian sense of humour.
The end result was that the photographs were ordered to be re-shot with the cone in place and Wellington (and sometimes his horse too) can now usually be seen sporting traffic cones!
The infamous Rainbow - Adult Episode
Obviously bored with the normally quite innocent episodes the performers decided to liven things up a bit for fun and recorded an adult episode.
Although never actually aired on live TV the episode below was without doubt the best of the entire series.
Saturday 29 September 2007
Glasgow pirate stallholders move to Bangkok
Under the constant barrage of police activity the stallholders developed a knack of being able to disappear without a trace and reappear as if nothing had ever happened. However it's been a losing battle for the stallholders and in an apparent attempt to sell their covert operating skills many have now moved to the market places of Bangkok to impart their knowledge to the locals for a small fee.
Here we can see the amazing skills these Barras stallholders have managed to teach their fellow Bangkok traders including how to hide from and avoid, of all things, freight trains....
Wednesday 26 September 2007
Howling Mad
I can happily report that no wolf-like transformations or urges manifested themselves other than a serious need to do a pee but this, I think, was caused by the cold and not by any primeval territory marking instinct unless you can count the one foot perimeter around the toilet pan that I frequently manage to mark as "mine".
Sunday 23 September 2007
Glasgow Merchant City Market
So rather than write about it here's a wee photo blog.....
The hurly burly of the street market
Market stall dummy
More sweeties !
Just liked the colours
Quite a few bands playing today
Street performer prepares for next show
Wey, hey....
Squirrels get their nuts felt
This wee guy was just too cute to not post a video.
If you go to Glasgow botanic gardens there's loads of these guys running around and because they're so used to people they think nothing of doing this........
Custard creams found to reverse aging process
At this precise moment in time I feel like a nice cup of coffee and a few custard cream biscuits.
If I take into account the sell by date of December 2008 and the manufacturing process including the growing of the raw materials by my reckoning I'm only feeling about 3 years old at most.
Right, I'm off to the patent office before Clarins get their hands on my discovery.
Incidentally, does anyone know what ever happened to coconut cream biscuits?
Saturday 22 September 2007
QE2 comes home to the Clyde
As my grandfather was a riveter at John Brown's Shipyard on the Clyde where she was built I, along with the relatives of all the other yard workers, was invited on board for a tour although only being one year old at the time I don't remember anything of the day.
Sadly the ship was to be the last of the great ocean liners built on the Clyde and in fact many of the yard workers, faced with this knowledge and the thought of redundancy, deliberately damaged parts of the ship during its construction to delay the launch and secure a few more months of employment.
Having now sailed more nautical miles than any other liner in history, 5.3 million, she finally came back up the Clyde to her birthplace and was greeted by a crowd in excess of 20,000 and a flypast by the Red Arrows when, at precisely 2:28pm she sounded her horn to mark the exact time 40 years ago when she was launched.
Incidentally I can, without word of a lie, state that I constantly treaded across her carpets every day while growing up. Not because I was the son of a millionaire world traveller but because my grandfather managed to slip some of the carpet out the yard during her fitting and used it to floor our hallway.
Cullen 2007
A little video compilation of Scott, Emma and I and this years trip to Cullen and Portknockie where we met up with my sister, brother-in-law and their kids......
Thursday 20 September 2007
Reason why bullets kill discovered
BAE systems have stated that after intense warfare traditional bullets "can harm the environment and pose a risk to people"..........Eh????
Does this mean that its not actually the ripping and tearing of flesh and the shattering of bone as bullets fly through our bodies that causes the untimely departure to the great beyond but is instead a sudden dose of lead poisoning?
"Oh, sorry pal I didn't mean to shoot you in the head but its okay, they're lead free bullets, you'll be fine"
If that's the case why don't we just bin bullets altogether and go to war using Super Soakers that way nobody gets hurts, the battle zone will get a good watering and everyone ends up with a nice flower bed in springtime.
Emergency stop button proves fatal
If for instance a fire was to break out on one the last place on earth I would want it to stop is in the middle of a long, dark and narrow tunnel miles from anywhere.
Likewise if some poor sod was to drop to the floor with a heart attack I'd want to get to the nearest platform as QUICKLY as possible not stop miles away from one.
Picture the scene...."Oh, whats that madam, you're having a heart attack?..... quick stop the train in the middle of this tunnel and we'll wait for the ambulance crew to climb down in the darkness with their torches to save you" !!
Surely it would make more sense to have an emergency "Go faster ya bastard and get me to the nearest platform pronto" button?
Sunday 16 September 2007
Russian rodents go to Mars
City sights
I ended up in Borders Bookstore and took advantage of an open window to get a nice shot of the shoppers walking through Gordon Street.
There's a shop on the corner here with the unfortunate name of Lush which actually sells soap but I reckon it must frequently get mistaken by confused alcoholic women as on off-sales specializing in drinks that hide the smell of stale pish.
Pasta la Glesga
There's something about Glasgow humour that can turn even the most boring advert into a classic.
Saturday 15 September 2007
American werewolf remade in Glasgow
A lot of the humour is very Glaswegian or west of Scotland which some may not get but its a brilliantly witty social commentary on life in Glasgow.
This is his classic piss take of An American Werewolf In London
You can get more of him at Limmy.com
Thursday 13 September 2007
What a Croc
Every time I see someone in a pair I get an odd vision of a colour blind surgical theatre nurse who's just nipped out for a spot of shopping.
Wednesday 12 September 2007
Mile high club
Thursday 6 September 2007
Underground Dilemas
You see the problem with the Glasgow Underground is that the seats are positioned lengthwise down either side of the carriages and directly facing each other with little more than 1 metre of a gap down the central aisle.
The resultant effect is that when the carriage is full everyone is staring directly into the face of the person at arms length opposite them.
Now the seasoned underground traveller knows this and comes prepared with a paper or book to hide behind, however for the rest it only leaves 2 options:
- Pretend to read the adverts in the banners above headheight.
- Take a sudden interest in footwear and floorboards as you stare at the ground.
I personally favour the footwear and floorboards option after being caught out pretending to be avidly reading the adverts only to realise that every one was an advert for testing for sexually transmitted diseases.
Wednesday 5 September 2007
Comedy clubs - Quest for the safe seat
The problem is that comedy clubs are usually quite intimate in their seating and often you will find yourself less than a couple of feet away from the acts and many a regular will deliberately, myself included, arrive at doors open to find a seat which will have the most distance and bodies between you and the stage.
This also allows the regulars to watch all the last minute arrivals panic and break out in a cold sweat as they realise the only tables and chairs left ARE the ones at the stage.
So my top tips to avoid becoming comedienne cannon fodder are:
- Never sit right at the stage (obviously)
- Always ensure that there is no direct line of sight between you and the stage microphone which is trickier than it sounds.
- Don't sit with your arms folded as this is a defensive stance that will get noticed.
Finally and most importantly.........
Never ever go for a piss during the act, you might as well just get your jacket and leave, as the amount that you piss in the toilet will be directly proportional to the amount of piss taken out of you if you do return to your seat.
Tuesday 4 September 2007
Tunnock's Teacakes
Best served by placing in the fridge for about 15 minutes and then eating immediately.
This ensures the chocolate outer shell is nice and crispy but the cream is still deliciously gooey.
Never mind Scotch Whisky, the Tunnock's Teacake is by far Scotland's best export and greatest ever culinary achievement.
Tunnock's, How do you eat yours?
Monday 3 September 2007
Edinburgh Festival Fireworks
It was the end of the Edinburgh International Festival yesterday which is always marked by a huge firework display on the castle esplanades.
My buddy David and I decided to nip through to Edinburgh and soak up the end of festival atmosphere and stood with the other 250,000 people to enjoy this amazing annual spectacle which lasted for nearly an hour.
This year the Scottish National Chamber Orchestra played along to the fireworks and it was amazing as every crash of the drums and roar of the brass sections was timed to perfection with the explosion of the fireworks.
We may not have all the jazz and pzazz of Disney World but we've got the real thing, a castle that has stood since the 6th century proudly watching over the land and oozing real history from every piece of it's solid stone.
A perfect backdrop to a brilliant display.
Sunday 2 September 2007
Who's your David Brent?
- Operating on a higher intellectual plane than everyone else.
- Needing to go on even more management consultancy training courses.
- Needing to employ more management consultants to tell him how to manage.
In fact all he really has to do is is to tell all his consultant buddies to "get to f" and take the inspirational leadership book that's permamently wedged up his arse and burn it.