Comedy clubs - Quest for the safe seat

Although a regular visitor to the comedy clubs in Glasgow, particularly The Stand, I have yet to find the elusive "safe seat" where you can sit safe in the knowledge that the host or one of the acts won't use you as the mandatory audience fall guy.

The problem is that comedy clubs are usually quite intimate in their seating and often you will find yourself less than a couple of feet away from the acts and many a regular will deliberately, myself included, arrive at doors open to find a seat which will have the most distance and bodies between you and the stage.

This also allows the regulars to watch all the last minute arrivals panic and break out in a cold sweat as they realise the only tables and chairs left ARE the ones at the stage.

So my top tips to avoid becoming comedienne cannon fodder are:

• Never sit right at the stage (obviously)
• Always ensure that there is no direct line of sight between you and the stage microphone which is trickier than it sounds.
• Don't sit with your arms folded as this is a defensive stance that will get noticed.

Finally and most importantly.........

Never ever go for a piss during the act, you might as well just get your jacket and leave, as the amount that you piss in the toilet will be directly proportional to the amount of piss taken out of you if you do return to your seat.