Be Kind Rewind - The Review

On a scale of Turd to Pish I rate this movie as

Size is everything

Which is causing me a whole lot of upset these days.

I'm not sure anymore if it's small, medium, grande, regular, large or if it's one size fits all.

I'm just left confused by the whole thing......it could be large but then again some think large is actually quite small while for some having a medium could leave you positively stuffed.

Apparently there's even some large ones that need at least two hands to get a good hold of whilst others brag about their size but I've heard many say that these always leave them a bit bored after a while and wanting something else more satisfying.

So for the sake of everyone can someone decide once and for all what size a small, medium and large cup of sodding coffee actually looks like.

Poker Faced

Now I don't play poker myself be it the real thing or online but having just watched a few minutes of world series poker on TV I am somewhat confused and bemused by the direction that the game has gone in recent years.

I seem to recall a large part of the skill involved in playing poker was being able to read your opponents body language and facial nuances to tell if anyone was bluffing.

I fondly recall sneaking into the living room as a kid and watching many a Sergio Leone spaghetti western where the characters would all be sitting round the poker table with one hand on their triggers and the other holding their cards each looking for that twitch of the eye or bead of sweat that would give the game away.

So can anyone explain to me what the F... this is all about........???????

Surely that's just like playing a game of chess and only being allowed to see half of your opponents pieces?

Its Not The Holiday Season - It's Christmas !!

"The Holiday Season"

This term is really starting to annoy me and it seems to be creeping more and more into our vocabulary due to a combination of the political correctness brigade and Americans.

Now I'm not particularly religious but I respect all religions so why do certain factions of the public and the media insist on calling Christmas "The Holiday Season"

Christmas is a christian religious festival, we don't go about calling Ramadan "The Fasting Season" or Yom Kippur "The Abstinence Season" so why should Christmas be treated any differently.

Unless of course in a glaring oversight by theologists and academics the world over it has nothing at all to do with celebrating the birth of the baby Jesus but is actually celebrating the inception of Saint Thomas of Cook, patron saint of holiday destinations and cheap self catering apartments.

If that is the case then in my book the "Holiday Season" surely starts around April and ends around August and during that time it is celebrated by nipping down the the travel agents, packing your trunks and suntan lotion and going on your "Summer holidays"??

So as a request would all you politically correct arseholes and most of America please refer to this time as Christmas.

Rant over......

I've Got A Temperature

In true masculine fashion and a result of being stuck on the flight back from Bristol full of sneezy, coughing travellers I now find myself spending Christmas Eve stuck in bed with:

• Aching muscles
• A drippy nose
• Sore Head
• Sore Throat
• Rabies
• Onset of Ebola Virus............

List is not exhaustive and my need for sympathy is directly proportional to my enormous suffering and the 2 miles of bog roll I've used blowing my nose.

Travel Expenses and Knickers

For anyone of the male persuasion making regular travel trips to Cardiff by air always ensure that if travelling back home on a Friday night that you pack ample pants in case you get stranded at the airport.

Unless of course you don't mind going into the airport duty free which only sells women's lingerie, buying a g-string and spending the rest of the evening in the exec lounge adjusting your butt crack.

Furthermore I reckon that your emergency expense claim for a 5 pack of knickers and a camisole top might take, for some obscure reason, much longer to get approved.

So before anyone out there tries to pass off the reason "required to purchase knickers and camisole as no shirts left and pants all had skid marks" with their resource team just remember.....

Unlike a puppy pants are not for life......although maybe 2 to 3 days tops if you avoid curries.

Aircraft Lifejackets

Why to airlines insist on showing you how to inflate your life jacket on flights that don't go over water ?

Now I know Glasgow can get a bit wet but the puddles are THAT big.

My personal theory is that it has nothing to do with the possibility of crash landing in water but rather the potential consequence of 100 plus people all pissing themselves in unison in an airtight cabin just after the captain announces the engines have failed.

It wouldn't sound too good on the news to hear that although the plane landed safely after engine failure unfortunately all the passengers that couldn't swim drowned in 400 gallons of their own piss.

Christmas Cash Machine Conundrums

Christmas is upon us and that can only mean one thing..........

Seemingly endless queues at cash machines where countless people seem willing to wait to extract cash in order to wait in more endless queues inside high street stores to exchange the same cash for the chosen gift for their loved ones.

Now had this been twenty years ago when we didn't have cash machines and queued inside banks to take cash out then I could accept this blindingly stupid phenomenon.

But this is 2007 and HELLO.......99.99% percent of all shops accept debit cards so why not, instead of standing at two queues, just go into the sodding shop and pay using the sodding card you were going to take the sodding cash out with in the first place !!!!!!

Or am I missing out on some hidden exchange rate where for every £10 you take out from a cash machine the bank in an overwhelming show of generosity gives you another £1 completely free of charge.... ?????






Look........ someone using their debit card to pay for something and "gosh" it cost £8.99....it's just like handing over £10 and being given £1.01 back in change ........ honest !!!

Some Seasonal Snaps

A few funfair shots as I walked home through George Square tonight.

Alan's Arty Picture Slot

Night shot of the Cenotaph at George Square

Soggy Feet, Doosh-doosh & Slurpy Coffee

There's times when I just hate the train, this morning being one of those particularly hateful days.

The daily trudge to the railway station was, as ever, a joy as I listened to the 4 cylinder symphony of cars careering along at 1mph with their drivers under the delusion that taking the car was the quickest way to get to work. The fumes from the cars only helped to dampen my already wet demeanour which was largely brought upon by my wholly inaccurate prediction that I wouldn't need a brolly and the west of Scotland penchant for pissing with rain at a moments notice.

As always, Scotrail have this theory that their rail carriages are manufactured in Gallifrey by the Timelords Intergalactic Train Suppliers or T.I.T.S. for short which ironically is rather apt as only a tit could possibly think that 150 people will fit into a carriage designed for 50.

Conditions onboard the train were what could best be likened to currently sitting on the Labour party front bench..... uncomfortable and with lots of squirming to see who can get nearest to the door to jump off first.

Having climbed over the mandatory numpty who always thinks that one train ticket actually purchases 2 seats, one for their arse and another for their bags, I managed to get a seat across from the doosh-doosh guy with his annoying headphones and a female with a cup of hot coffee who either must have been stung in the lip by a bee or who had just been given a touch of botox.

Watching coffee woman and her interesting pout was amusing to say the least. She was managing to drown out doosh-doosh guy with her slurping by inventing a whole new technique for drinking coffee from those annoying lids with the little hole, you know the ones where you need to generate the suction power of a Dyson in order to extract the equivalent of a pigeon poo's worth of coffee without burning your lips or at best dribbling and creating a whole new pattern on your shirt tie.

She had, instead of electing to drink out the wee hole, decided to bite a larger hole in the lid which had the odd effect of turning the whole thing into a sort of liquid generated kazoo with every slurp causing the sides of the lid to vibrate and buzz. It was like sitting across from a tuneless marching band on a Red Bull overdose.

Doosh-doosh guy just sat there happily perforating his eardrums while treating the rest of us to the doosh-doosh song.

Why is it that no matter what type of track is playing on an MP3 player it always just sounds like "doosh-doosh". Maybe if you listen to it backwards its actually morse code for "Satan is a deaf bastard and likes to annoy everyone on trains with this doosh-doosh song".

..................I hate commuting.

Bogshead Revisited

In a follow-up to my world famous exposé on the pointy fold that hotels put in their bog rolls I have since discovered the elite of pointy bits....

The pointy bit with freshness guaranteed sticky thing.

While undertaking my ablutions I thought long and hard over this, the pointy thing that is and not the other task I was undertaking, and I can only conclude that the sticker's only useful purpose is to ensure the guest that no other person has wiped their arse since the maid cleaned the room.

And so there we have it, a posh hotel can only be truly posh if it's lavvie paper is security sealed.

Walk along the Kelvin

Few piccies while walking along Uni Avenue today enjoying the Autumn sunshine..

The Glasgow Kelvin Hall in the background.

Mr E. Presley, taken in Glasgow's museum & art gallery.

This week's picture slot

This is the famed "Jinty's" at the back of Byres Road and not being one to pass the opportunity to rest my weary feet took refuge in the noble ale house.


And the vista from said ale house although it should be noted that many a drinker may not recognise this view from eye level and might be more familiar if I had taken the picture at ground level.

Nae Arses Please

It would appear that the parking of ones bahookie** in the Hillhead area of Glasgow is now frowned upon and the locals have taken a rather heavy handed approach to ensure no unprohibited placing down of the arse.........



**Bahookie....arse, bum, rear.

Byres Road Fruit Stall

There's a greengrocer at the top of Byres Road who always takes the time to really "arrange" their outside display. Today's was too good to not take a piccie...