Coneheads

Thought I'd grab this photo while I was in town today because its a bit unusual.

Now the keen eyed amongst you think "aha, the horse has a traffic cone on its head" and you would be partially right.

However ask any Glaswegian and they will immediately tell you its unusual because the cone should in fact be on the rider, the Duke of Wellington, and not the horse.

The statue of the Duke of Wellington sits on Glasgow's Royal Exchange Square outside the museum of modern art and has over the years become a Glasgow icon and a fine example of Glasgow's well known sense of irreverent humour.

The conqueror of Napoleon at the Battle of Waterloo in 1815, is obviously not supposed to have a traffic cone on his bonce however some years ago a cone appeared overnight, presumably the result of a youthful prank. Although it was removed, it kept magically re-appearing and eventually the authorities gave up.

It has now become such a landmark that the statue and its cone have featured in tourist guidebooks. A few years ago, when Greater Glasgow & Clyde Valley Tourist Board wanted photographs to launch their new web site, they removed the cone. Immediately many Glaswegians, including the Lord Provost, Alex Mosson, complained that the cone was missing and that it highlighted the Glaswegian sense of humour.

The end result was that the photographs were ordered to be re-shot with the cone in place and Wellington (and sometimes his horse too) can now usually be seen sporting traffic cones!

The infamous Rainbow - Adult Episode

For anyone who doesn't know Rainbow was a children's television series in the United Kingdom which ran twice weekly at 12.10pm on Tuesdays and Fridays from 1972 to 1992.

Obviously bored with the normally quite innocent episodes the performers decided to liven things up a bit for fun and recorded an adult episode.

Although never actually aired on live TV the episode below was without doubt the best of the entire series.

Glasgow pirate stallholders move to Bangkok

There's a weekend market in Glasgow called "The Barras" which although years ago was a thriving and popular market is now nothing more than a focal point for the selling of everything fake including DVD's, CD's, and all manner of clothing and fashion labels.

Under the constant barrage of police activity the stallholders developed a knack of being able to disappear without a trace and reappear as if nothing had ever happened. However it's been a losing battle for the stallholders and in an apparent attempt to sell their covert operating skills many have now moved to the market places of Bangkok to impart their knowledge to the locals for a small fee.

Here we can see the amazing skills these Barras stallholders have managed to teach their fellow Bangkok traders including how to hide from and avoid, of all things, freight trains....

Howling Mad

Full moon tonight so not unlike a deranged werewolf I stood out in the back garden and stared up at the sky for a while before taking a few piccies.

I can happily report that no wolf-like transformations or urges manifested themselves other than a serious need to do a pee but this, I think, was caused by the cold and not by any primeval territory marking instinct unless you can count the one foot perimeter around the toilet pan that I frequently manage to mark as "mine".

Glasgow Merchant City Market

It was market day down at Glasgow's Merchant City so David, Heidi and yours truly set off to sample the produce and take in some of the atmosphere before ending up at Nandos Mexican restaurant for munchies.

So rather than write about it here's a wee photo blog.....


The hurly burly of the street market

Market stall dummy

Sweeties

Yuch, duck legs

More sweeties !


Just liked the colours


Quite a few bands playing today


Street performer prepares for next show


Wey, hey....

I was inexplicably drawn to this stall

Yum


More yum


Sadly the beer won and I went home alone.


Mandatory arty shot


Err...it's a sax player, otherwise someone better tell him his trumpets bent.


David and Heidi


Bongo player in Buchanan Street......

Well I hope those are bongo's otherwise that guy's got a SERIOUS problem.


Clyde water bus from Nando's window


Soon we would all be farting for Scotland

And a wee video....

Squirrels get their nuts felt

This wee guy was just too cute to not post a video.

If you go to Glasgow botanic gardens there's loads of these guys running around and because they're so used to people they think nothing of doing this........

Custard creams found to reverse aging process

If you're only as old as you feel how do I work this one out?

At this precise moment in time I feel like a nice cup of coffee and a few custard cream biscuits.

If I take into account the sell by date of December 2008 and the manufacturing process including the growing of the raw materials by my reckoning I'm only feeling about 3 years old at most.

Right, I'm off to the patent office before Clarins get their hands on my discovery.

Incidentally, does anyone know what ever happened to coconut cream biscuits?

QE2 comes home to the Clyde

It was nice to see the QE2 finally come home to the Clyde to celebrate its 40th birthday after it was launched on September 20th 1967.

As my grandfather was a riveter at John Brown's Shipyard on the Clyde where she was built I, along with the relatives of all the other yard workers, was invited on board for a tour although only being one year old at the time I don't remember anything of the day.

Sadly the ship was to be the last of the great ocean liners built on the Clyde and in fact many of the yard workers, faced with this knowledge and the thought of redundancy, deliberately damaged parts of the ship during its construction to delay the launch and secure a few more months of employment.

Having now sailed more nautical miles than any other liner in history, 5.3 million, she finally came back up the Clyde to her birthplace and was greeted by a crowd in excess of 20,000 and a flypast by the Red Arrows when, at precisely 2:28pm she sounded her horn to mark the exact time 40 years ago when she was launched.

Incidentally I can, without word of a lie, state that I constantly treaded across her carpets every day while growing up. Not because I was the son of a millionaire world traveller but because my grandfather managed to slip some of the carpet out the yard during her fitting and used it to floor our hallway.

Cullen 2007

A little video compilation of Scott, Emma and I and this years trip to Cullen and Portknockie where we met up with my sister, brother-in-law and their kids......

Phil Collins hires Elton John's wig maker

Phil my man, your new toupe is shite!

Reason why bullets kill discovered

I actually couldn't believe what I was reading when I first saw an article that appeared in the Sunday Times recently stating that BAE Systems were developing environmentally friendly lead free bullets!

BAE systems have stated that after intense warfare traditional bullets "can harm the environment and pose a risk to people"..........Eh????

Does this mean that its not actually the ripping and tearing of flesh and the shattering of bone as bullets fly through our bodies that causes the untimely departure to the great beyond but is instead a sudden dose of lead poisoning?

"Oh, sorry pal I didn't mean to shoot you in the head but its okay, they're lead free bullets, you'll be fine"

If that's the case why don't we just bin bullets altogether and go to war using Super Soakers that way nobody gets hurts, the battle zone will get a good watering and everyone ends up with a nice flower bed in springtime.

Emergency stop button proves fatal

Can someone kindly explain to me the point of an emergency stop button on a subway train please.

If for instance a fire was to break out on one the last place on earth I would want it to stop is in the middle of a long, dark and narrow tunnel miles from anywhere.

Likewise if some poor sod was to drop to the floor with a heart attack I'd want to get to the nearest platform as QUICKLY as possible not stop miles away from one.

Picture the scene...."Oh, whats that madam, you're having a heart attack?..... quick stop the train in the middle of this tunnel and we'll wait for the ambulance crew to climb down in the darkness with their torches to save you" !!

Surely it would make more sense to have an emergency "Go faster ya bastard and get me to the nearest platform pronto" button?

Russian rodents go to Mars

Its good to see that Russia has the best interests of humankind at heart in the quest to explore the deepest reaches of the universe by blasting 10 gerbils into space for a 12-day mission to test the possible effects on humans of a flight to Mars.

I bet Arthur C. Clarke never saw that one coming when he wrote "2001 - A Space Odyssey" which is just as well as "2007 - A Rodent Ramble" just doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

Call me cynical but what similarities to humans does wee hammy hamster have that might be of any use apart from finding out that they might not like their muesli in zero gravity because the milk goes up their noses?

City sights

Got a new camera the other day and decided to go for a walk around the city centre to try it out.

Wandered through Glasgow's George square which a few years ago was transformed from a lush green centre square with flourishing trees and plants and, at the behest of our loony council, into a big red asphalt covered monstrosity which would be better suited as a helicopter landing pad.

Strangely the only bit of greenery the councillors did leave was the part immediately opposite their own city chambers, presumably so that at least their view wasn't ruined.

Ironically Glasgow was historically known as "The dear green place", unfortunately for us the councillors understanding of Glaswegian history was summed nicely when one was asked to name a famous Glaswegian and could only come up with Wheech McGee, an ancient fictional character from the Evening Times.

I ended up in Borders Bookstore and took advantage of an open window to get a nice shot of the shoppers walking through Gordon Street.

There's a shop on the corner here with the unfortunate name of Lush which actually sells soap but I reckon it must frequently get mistaken by confused alcoholic women as on off-sales specializing in drinks that hide the smell of stale pish.

Pasta la Glesga

Been a bit lazy these last few days with the blogging and have been suffering from writers block but while looking for inspiration I came across this gem of a clip in Youtube that had me in stitches.

There's something about Glasgow humour that can turn even the most boring advert into a classic.

American werewolf remade in Glasgow

Missed out on seeing this guy live at the Edinburgh festival but he just sums up the Glasgow sense of humour to a tee. I first heard about him when browsing itunes and spotted his podcast "Limmy's world of Glasgow".

A lot of the humour is very Glaswegian or west of Scotland which some may not get but its a brilliantly witty social commentary on life in Glasgow.

This is his classic piss take of An American Werewolf In London

You can get more of him at Limmy.com

What a Croc

Okay, whats the scoop with these bloomin Croc shoes.

Every time I see someone in a pair I get an odd vision of a colour blind surgical theatre nurse who's just nipped out for a spot of shopping.

Mile high club

Due to an unfortunate ink smudge whilst reading what the membership entry criteria to the mile high club was and the wholly inaccurate use of replacement letters on my part I may have recently subjected the passengers of the BMI Leeds to Glasgow flight to a rather unpleasant experience........

Although the grunts and groans emanating from the toilet may have been vaguely similar and ending in climatic feeling of total satisfaction it transpires that the membership entry criteria is to go and have a really good long shag in the toilets and not, as I did, which was to go and have a really good long shit.

Underground Dilemas

I'm sure that I am not alone in thinking there's an inherent design flaw with the Glasgow Underground and that is........where the hell to look.

You see the problem with the Glasgow Underground is that the seats are positioned lengthwise down either side of the carriages and directly facing each other with little more than 1 metre of a gap down the central aisle.

The resultant effect is that when the carriage is full everyone is staring directly into the face of the person at arms length opposite them.

Now the seasoned underground traveller knows this and comes prepared with a paper or book to hide behind, however for the rest it only leaves 2 options:

1. Pretend to read the adverts in the banners above headheight.


2. Take a sudden interest in footwear and floorboards as you stare at the ground.

There is of course a third option which is to actually stare at the person opposite but the ramifications of this really put it out the game unless you want to be labelled as a crazy weirdo and have all the passengers point you out to the police as you disembark.

I personally favour the footwear and floorboards option after being caught out pretending to be avidly reading the adverts only to realise that every one was an advert for testing for sexually transmitted diseases.

Comedy clubs - Quest for the safe seat

Although a regular visitor to the comedy clubs in Glasgow, particularly The Stand, I have yet to find the elusive "safe seat" where you can sit safe in the knowledge that the host or one of the acts won't use you as the mandatory audience fall guy.

The problem is that comedy clubs are usually quite intimate in their seating and often you will find yourself less than a couple of feet away from the acts and many a regular will deliberately, myself included, arrive at doors open to find a seat which will have the most distance and bodies between you and the stage.

This also allows the regulars to watch all the last minute arrivals panic and break out in a cold sweat as they realise the only tables and chairs left ARE the ones at the stage.

So my top tips to avoid becoming comedienne cannon fodder are:

• Never sit right at the stage (obviously)
• Always ensure that there is no direct line of sight between you and the stage microphone which is trickier than it sounds.
• Don't sit with your arms folded as this is a defensive stance that will get noticed.

Finally and most importantly.........

Never ever go for a piss during the act, you might as well just get your jacket and leave, as the amount that you piss in the toilet will be directly proportional to the amount of piss taken out of you if you do return to your seat.

Tunnock's Teacakes

Without doubt the best teacake and biscuit in the world.

Best served by placing in the fridge for about 15 minutes and then eating immediately.

This ensures the chocolate outer shell is nice and crispy but the cream is still deliciously gooey.

Never mind Scotch Whisky, the Tunnock's Teacake is by far Scotland's best export and greatest ever culinary achievement.

Tunnock's, How do you eat yours?

Edinburgh Festival Fireworks

We Scots really do it in style.

It was the end of the Edinburgh International Festival yesterday which is always marked by a huge firework display on the castle esplanades.

My buddy David and I decided to nip through to Edinburgh and soak up the end of festival atmosphere and stood with the other 250,000 people to enjoy this amazing annual spectacle which lasted for nearly an hour.

This year the Scottish National Chamber Orchestra played along to the fireworks and it was amazing as every crash of the drums and roar of the brass sections was timed to perfection with the explosion of the fireworks.

We may not have all the jazz and pzazz of Disney World but we've got the real thing, a castle that has stood since the 6th century proudly watching over the land and oozing real history from every piece of it's solid stone.

A perfect backdrop to a brilliant display.

Who's your David Brent?

For any of us who work in an office I reckon we must all at least have one David Brent from The Office.

I know one and I'm not sure whether he's where Ricky Gervais got his inspiration from or even worse if my one was inspired by Ricky Gervais.

He's the epitome of everything anal about the not so fictional character right down the use of consultancy buzz words, crap dancing and verbal faux pas, jeez he even looks like one!

You always know he's had a meeting with a new batch of consultants as he immediately starts using all their latest verbal diarrhoea and adages that they tend spout under some misguided delusion that he's "happening" in the world of management consultancy.

The problem is the only people who understand this total and utter cack is other management consultants so basically nobody ever has a clue what he's blubbering on about thus making him the worst manager in existence.

He on the other hand, being the poor misguided fool that he is, thinks that because nobody understands him he is either:

1. Operating on a higher intellectual plane than everyone else.


2. Needing to go on even more management consultancy training courses.


3. Needing to employ more management consultants to tell him how to manage.

In fact all he really has to do is is to tell all his consultant buddies to "get to f" and take the inspirational leadership book that's permamently wedged up his arse and burn it.